


when the clock stops

by orphan_account



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, First Kiss, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Canon, i'm basically ignoring the dark continent arc for now because gon and killua haven't shown up yet
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-15
Updated: 2018-03-15
Packaged: 2019-03-22 16:17:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13767840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Killua just can't shake the feeling that even after all these years, they're still running on nothing but borrowed time.





	when the clock stops

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote half of this in tears the day after i finished hunter x hunter and the other half at 1am in the middle of an emotional breakdown last night. 
> 
> there's gonna be 5 different "sections" of this [hence the numbers as headers] that i'm splitting into 3 chapters. hopefully it all makes sense but i'll be happy to clear up any confusion in the comments!!
> 
> for now, enjoy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Killua stops to smell the flowers.

4.

Aschewtut mountain was nothing special by any means, but climbing up the rocky path, vibrant floral hues surrounding him on all sides, Killua Zoldyck felt a kind of peace he hadn't in a long time. He effortlessly vaulted his way onto the nearest rock, taking a moment to close his eyes and just breathe. The variety of blooming plants in the area left a strong but not unpleasant scent wafting through the air. If he just avoided the elephant in the room - or in this particular case, in the forest - maybe he'd be able to relax. He inhaled, and-

"Killua!" _Shit._ So much for avoiding his personal elephant.

"Hey, Gon." He kept his voice even, putting on an air of disinterest as he crossed his legs.

"We gotta make it to the top before the sunset! You _do_ still wanna do this, right?"

Killua cocked an eyebrow in response. "Says the guy who got left in the dust when we decided to race." He let out a small smirk, but something about this felt so _wrong_ , because their banter was so _normal_ it was like they were twelve years old and ready to face the world all over again, and because no matter how fast Killua ran he would inevitably be the one left in the dust at the end of the day.

"You used Godspeed!" Gon protested, seemingly oblivious to Killua's internal struggle as he waved his hands in the air dramatically. "That was a dirty move."

"All's fair in love, war, and impromptu races through the forest," Killua shrugged, pointedly looking anywhere but Gon's face. _Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale._

The green-clad boy now in front of him stopped at the base of the rock Killua was perched on, eyes sparkling as he glanced up at his friend. Killua's breath hitched. It still seemed so surreal, seeing the grin playing on Gon's lips in person instead of through a distant memory or foggy dream. He still wasn't sure if he liked it or not; if the quickening of his pulse meant the same thing it did all those years ago, or if it hinted at something entirely different- something darker, built from months upon months of pent up emotions, of confusion and anger and regret.

 _That_ was where Killua's problem had begun. Navigating his feelings for Gon was like trying to find his way through a maze blindfolded, except the walls were made of barbed wire and there was a pack of angry foxbears on his tail and everything was on fire.

It hadn't always been so difficult. Before their time in NGL, things had been simple. Killua's feelings had started off as those of a friendship, gradually blossomed into a deeper trust and love, and somewhere along the line had morphed into being _in_ love with Gon. There was no sudden realization, no exact day that Killua could pinpoint as when he realized he was head over heels for his best friend. It just felt _natural_ \- how could he not fall for the boy with the sun in his smile and all the stars in his eyes? Then they had encountered the Chimera Ants, and things had began to crumble.

Kite and may have been the one to die at the ants' hands, but as Killua had looked at Gon next to Pitou's unmoving body, his clenched fists spattered with blue blood and his expression so, _so_ empty, he realized that the one he had really lost was Gon. The vows they made to their everlasting friendship at the World Tree were merely echoes of what they used to mean to each other. It should have been more painful, leaving Gon. But despite everything, Killua hadn't been able to bring himself to feel anything at all as his partner, his best friend, the love of his life walked away.

"Are we gonna get going now?" Gon's voice cut through Killua's rapidly spiraling thoughts like a knife through butter.

He stared at Gon, who was bouncing on the balls of his feet, his head cocked slightly to the side as he waited for the other boy to speak. A million words bubbled up in Killua's throat but none of them made it out.

"I think..." Killua started, his voice soft enough that if Gon's ears hadn't been so sharp, it would've been lost in the summery breeze. "I think we need to talk."

"About what?" Gon pressed, seemingly oblivious to Killua's uncharacteristically shaky tone. Killua made a broad gesture in response.

"You know. Everything... Us."

Gon ran a hand through his unruly dark hair, letting out a small sigh. "Us, huh?" He raised his glance to the treetops, beams of sunlight streaming through the dappled leaves and leaving fragmented shadows on his face. Killua nodded mutely, not trusting himself to speak without releasing a tirade of emotions.

"At the top, then?" Gon suggested, offering a hand to Killua. Hesitantly, he took it, pausing momentarily when he noticed the minuscule tremors running through Gon's arm. He tried to meet Gon's eyes as he hopped down from the rock, but the other boy was already looking forward to the path ahead, his hand slipping out of Killua's grasp. He pushed down the pang of bitterness in his stomach as Gon forged ahead and he was left to follow.

* * *

1.

Killua was in the shower, trying to ignore the stinging as the lukewarm water made contact with his burned skin. Alluka had wanted to go to the beach for the day, and Killua, thinking it would be reasonably easier and far less risky than some of their recent excursions, had agreed without a second thought. He had stuffed some towels into a bag while Alluka had made sandwiches. It was only once they had arrived at the coastline that Killua realized he had forgotten to account for a very important enemy: the sun. Killua suffered two major injuries that day - one to his pride, and one to his skin. Despite that, however, he couldn't bring himself to complain when Alluka had enjoyed it so much. Her smile alone had dulled the pain of his sunburns.

Now, though, as water ran in rivulets down the flushed skin on his back, Killua thought of another smile that had lit up his world; a smile that was his own sun. It seemed fitting, really - he had walked away from Gon's light burned and broken as well, with only Alluka to numb the pain. And, annoyingly, just like the gargantuan fiery star shining down on them daily, Gon had become a necessity in Killua's life.

Killua had divided his life into three sections: Before Gon, During Gon, and After Gon. He didn't like to think about the Before Gon era. It was a time when the only names that mattered were his surname and the name of his next target. A time when he had been nothing but a puppet and a plaything for Illumi, and the rest of his family by extent. A time when he could never even find the time to wash the blood from his hands. A time where he felt nothing at all.

The period of his life when Gon had been present was the brightest of the three, constantly illuminated by the boy in green. It was a whirlwind of adventure, an era of firsts. His first friend, his first love, the first time in his life that he had ever felt _free._

If the lowest point of his life had been Before Gon, and the peak had been During Gon, After Gon was the uncomfortable in between. His life since Gon had been bittersweet - he'd gained a sister and, as far as he was concerned, lost a best friend. He had been dumped in the dirt and left to act like everything was fine. He still had the freedom that he had when he was with Gon, but it felt... different. Almost as if he had gotten so used to following after Gon to the ends of the Earth, he didn't know how to forge his own path anymore.

Instead, he and Alluka wandered. If they wanted to go to the beach, they went to the beach. If they wanted to go catch bugs in the forest, nobody was stopping them. But for the first time, nobody was pushing or pulling Killua in any direction. Alluka was happy, so he was happy. He told himself that was all that mattered. It had worked for the past 3 years, after all. At least, it had kept him from doing anything stupid, like picking up the phone and actually calling Gon. It hadn't been enough to dull the ache in his heart or stop him from thinking about the other boy as if he was still a part of Gon's life, but those were technicalities. They'd fade, eventually. 

Killua let his eyelids fall shut and let out a deep sigh, exhaling all thoughts of Gon along with it. He was just about to grab the soap from the small ceramic stand embedded in the shower wall when he heard a knock on the door, followed by a feminine voice calling his name.

"Hey, Killua?" His brows creased slightly at the sound of Alluka's voice. Maybe it was just the sound of the running water but she sounded rather hesitant - a stark contrast to her normal happy-go-lucky behavior.

"Yeah, what's up, Alluka?"

"There's, uh... someone on the phone for you." Killua let out a groan. Couldn't he just have 15 minutes to himself to scrub the sand out of his hair?

"Tell them to call me back in a bit," he suggested. "I'm not done ridding myself of sand quite yet."

Alluka let out a giggle at that, but she paused. "It's... well... It's someone you might want to talk to right now."

Killua narrowed his eyes. There weren't many people that he'd drag himself out of a refreshing shower to talk to. He could probably count them all on one hand.

"Well, who is it?" Something was gnawing at his stomach, a mixture of hope and fear and some other jumbled emotions in between.

Alluka softened her voice even more as she spoke her next words, so much so that it would have been hard for Killua to decipher what she was saying if it had been any other name.

_"It's Gon."_

**Author's Note:**

> phew, part 1 of 3 is done and dusted. this is my first killugon fic and im hoping it wont be my last - hxh changed my gotdamn life and i have so much love to give for all the characters. anyways, i hope the sectioning made sense! part 2 shouldnt take too long to post, ive got a rough outline done of what it's gonna be, and all i can say is expect lots of angst.
> 
> i hope you enjoyed!! kudos and comments keep me motivated and make my day, so feel free to leave some!! 
> 
> see you next chapter!


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